Choosing Your Partner
Find a nice quite place, close your eyes and picture your future with
you ideal partner. What kind of activities do you see yourself doing
with your partner? How will you both interact with each other? Do you
want a relationship where you both do things together frequently or
do you want one with more space to do your own separate activities?
What kind of social life do you envision? Do you want children? Do you
want to travel? How will you spend your money? You should be focusing
on the mood and the quality of the relationship and not on looks and
setting. As soon as you have your vision of your ideal relationship,
write down the characteristics that make up this relationship.
It is also helpful to look at all your past relationships and write
down some observations such as what you liked and did not like about
these relationships as well as why the relationship ended. You might
notice some recurring patterns or themes emerging. For me my recurring
pattern is to pick someone who is very negative and emotionally unavailable.
This exercise should help you decide what you want and do not want in
your future relationships as well as call to your attention any repeated
dating patterns which can be both good and bad.
You should now have your ideal relationship in mind and you are ready
to write down the characteristics that make up your ideal mate. A written
list will help you to focus on what you really want in your mate. You
will be making a list of what you will accept and not accept in a mate.
Keep in mind that you can refer to these lists when writing your online
dating profile. Just remember while it is good to know what you want
in a mate you can’t be too married to every item on your list
otherwise; you could run the risk of missing out on the best thing that
could happen to you.
The first list should consist of things your partner must have.
These would include personality traits, behaviors, religious beliefs
and values. These would be the things that you cannot live without.
I will caution you to focus on your values when making up this list
and do not concentrate on your interests or hobbies. You can always
share different interests or hobbies with your mate. You should focus
your list on your partner’s innate qualities.
Mimi’s must have
list
- Someone who has a sense of humor.
- Someone who is kind, affectionate, and considerate.
- Someone who is intelligent.
- Someone who is financially stable.
- Someone who shares the same religion.
- Someone who wants to have children.
- Someone who can offer me support when I am down.
- Someone who is a good communicator and a good listener.
- Someone who will give me compliments.
The second list should consist of things you wish
for in your partner but you can live without it. These items would be
negotiable.
Mimi’s wish list
- Someone who loves music and will attend concerts with me.
- Someone who shares my passion for running.
- Someone who likes to travel.
- Someone who likes to try out new foods.
- Someone who likes to dance.
The third list should consist of things you find unacceptable
in your partner. These items would be non-negotiable (a deal breaker).
Mimi’s unacceptable
list
- Someone who is negative and verbally abusive.
- Someone who I have no chemistry.
- Someone who cannot be faithful.
- Someone who has a drinking or drug addiction.
- Someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Date or Soul Mate?
If you are having trouble coming up with your own criteria list and
need some guidelines, Neil Clark Warren's book “Date
or Soul Mate?” provides a very good extensive list of must
have and can't stand qualities. You have to choose only ten from each
list. The ten you pick have to be the most important qualities which
will include both good and bad qualities. Neil Clark says if you see
a "can't stand" quality in someone you are dating than it
is time to consider ending the relationship. Remember your mate probably
won't change this pattern and it will drive you crazy every time you
encounter this behavior however; only you can decide if you are willing
to live with it. You may find your mate might not have
enough of the "must have" qualities on your list than you
will find yourself constantly trying to get your mate to possess those
qualities which is a losing battle.
Ultimately the person you marry will have both good and bad traits
but they should have only the ones you can are able to live with in
a mate. If you find yourself choosing more than 10 from each list, than
you may be too picky and need to reevaluate what is most important in
your mate. Remember not one person can satisfy your every need.
So take some time to review these lists and really think about what
is important to you when it comes to choosing your mate. Remember to
choose only ten from each list.
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