We thought this standardized form would help simplify the
dating process and make it more business-like...
Dear _______________,
(rejectee's name here)
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as "The Perfect Guy ‚ Girl ‚". As
you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to
make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I
can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY
wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something
other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
then you can't GET into my pants.
___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.
___ You have a hairy back.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often
in conversation.
___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star
Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
in a long term partner.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight
bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
(Your name here)
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