MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES (and other
social catastrophes)
Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you
meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes
you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to
get rid of them, fast!
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who
reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous"
for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched,
and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about themselves.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than s/he does.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What
in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you
can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table
that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your
food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for
the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with
another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat
later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language,
or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs.
Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take
one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange
them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them
home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper
than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee,
and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free
refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate,
to make sure no one poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay
the bill.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Listen to violent music before going out. Recite all the
expletives during your meal.
After kissing him/her explain that you're doing a study on the spread
of mononucleosis.
Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
Show up with make up on ninety percent of youre body...all lipstick...
especially if you're male.
Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his mouth,
interrupt and start a new conversation.
Belch. Rate yourself.
Complain of the effects of the acid you dropped before the meal.
Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a severed
head as a centerpiece.
As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate
raw meat.
Count your contraceptives.
Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can't wait until
the meal is over.
Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar.
When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace
else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste
for the night.
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